numb
That's the only way to describe my feelings and thoughts around my friend, Annalise's, passing these days.
It's been two years since we lost Annalise & her husband, Solomon, to a tragic motor vehicle accident. When I think back on that horrible week, where we didn't know if she was going to live or die, where we prayed so hard for....what? We didn't even know what to pray for. Should we pray for her to live? Is that selfish to ask that? Should we pray for her to pass peacefully? Should we pray for her to save someone else's life? Should we pray for the decision to be obvious? Should we pray for a miracle?
We prayed for all of it.. And the Lord answered it a week later and took her home. I still look back on that week, and the months that followed and my brain has shielded me from much of that time. I have tried to write this post for the last 18 months and I think I finally have all the pieces together.
Who was Annalise?
Annalise was a beautiful, vibrant, 23 year old woman, the wife of Solomon Lee, who I had the pleasure of knowing for 7 years. She is one of 10 kids, and while I lived away from family, in Texas, her family took me in with open arms and treated me like family. She held no blood relation to me, yet her loss has impacted me greater than any other loss has. She was a good friend, but really closer than that. When I lived in Midland, TX, we saw each other nearly daily. After moving, we still spoke over the phone regularly, texted often, and sent memes via social media. We also would visit each other multiple times per year. Communication slowed some once she got engaged, but we still talked on the phone every other week.
Anna could also be a fickle friend to me, at times. We had an 8 year age difference and, as already mentioned, zero blood relation, but we sure did fight like sisters. I feel bad for her younger sister, Kenni (another one of my best friends), who had to get into the middle of these arguments.
I met Annalise when she was 16. I remember she had just gotten her driver’s license, but we didn't become close friends for another 2 years. CrossFit drew us closer. It was Annalise who got me into CrossFit. She was my first coach, and was a natural athlete. She helped me progress in learning the foreign movements. She had a slightly callous approach to coaching - she would NOT hold back on hurting your feelings because she wanted you to rise to your highest potential. She made me cry several times in CrossFit – and she didn’t let up. She never apologized either because in her eyes, she was making me better. That was her personality.
She was head strong, loud, and fiery, but also had sides to her that were softer and more thoughtful. When those softer sides did come out, we found a friendship that fit us, truly like sisters. Now, she had four sisters of her own, but I don’t have sisters, so Annalise became the closest thing to a sister for me. I think she saw me more like a cousin, which is understandable when you have four incredible sisters like she does. Annalise and I would certainly fight like sisters, but we also were crazy loyal to each other and loved each other very much.
We road tripped and traveled together phenomenally well. We even planned & booked a trip to Japan together that Covid took away from us. Instead, we spent six weeks in isolation together which was too much time together and led to MANY more fights. It also led to an extreme closeness and memories shared together unlike any other. I kept having to remember that I was 8 years older than her. At 28 years old I suddenly had a best friend that was 20. I would get so frustrated with her sometimes and had to remind myself that she was 20 years old and she needed time to mature. And she started to.
Annalise Meets Solomon
Annalise met Solomon I think in late summer 2021. When I got the call about this young man who rode motorcycles and joined her family for lunch one day at Rosa's, I got excited, but he was just a friend. She didn't want to be vulnerable and let on that she liked him just yet, but I could tell. The friendship progressed quickly to a relationship, engagement, then marriage in November of 2022. I had the pleasure of taking their engagement photos in August 2022, which I will post some below.
Annalise desired to be a mom. I was so excited to see her fall into this role. She had a gift with children – they were drawn to her. She could love on a child unlike anyone I have ever seen – give them physical affection they crave, mentally stimulate their mind with songs and games. She had a gift. They were wanting to have kids, soon, and experienced pregnancy loss in February 2023. I watched her go through it with such strength, dignity, and reliance on the Lord. When I tell you the exponential growth I saw in her over her last 1.5 years of life – it was truly magnificent. Her and Solomon both grew so much together and in their relationship with Christ. She was growing so much through making a home with Solomon.
This hurts so much to write. She was meant to be a mom. She was incredible with children. I was so excited to see her grow in selflessness and humility through being a wife to Solomon and a mother to their kids. I mourn those assumed memories I was going to get with them. I was never promised them, but yet I still built them in my head. I still think on what we missed out on - The trips we’d take, the baby stories we’d share, the hours of phone calls, marriage advice passed back and forth, how Christ was growing in our lives, the family drama going on in our lives, etc. etc.
The Week of the Accident
I woke up for work on April 4th to a text from the night before about the accident, Solomon's passing, and that Annalise was in critical care. I went to work, skipped the morning meeting, shut my office door, and cried all day. The week that followed was brutal. I flew out to be with her and love on her family that I adore so much. I was happy I was able to see her & hold her still warm hand - something Solomon's family tragically did not get to experience. When Annalise was pronounced brain dead, on April 9, 2023, I was in shock. There had been enough hope in my optimistic little head that I had been assuming she would live.
I stayed one night at the hospital with her and I prayed over her recovery. All these prayers and what-ifs continuously swirled in my head. So to suddenly get the news the next day (that some of her more realistic family members had already been suspecting) that her brain stem was pushing into her skull and that there was no longer any brain activity was really hard to wrap my brain around. The next 24 hours I think everyone was floating around in shock. No questions were off limits – everyone processed in their own way. Some were quiet, some questioned everything and wanted to talk. I wanted to verbally process. I was able to get some time off work and stayed the next week out in Midland. I threw myself into helping her younger sister, Kenni, prep for her own wedding in just under 3 weeks. It was a way I could help while the family focused on planning a funeral.
I was able to keep calm because logically, I knew this was the best outcome for Annalise. She was a Christian, she knew the Lord and had accepted Christ. I am confident she is in a much better place. Logically, I was at peace, God was good – this was all in his plan all along, this all made sense. But I was merely in stage one of grief - Denial. Anger, Bargaining & Depression were yet to come.
Their funeral was absolutely beautiful, if you can call a funeral beautiful. All the little details were so touching and have stayed with me. The sisters went out and bought matching rings for the 5 of them. Annalise's favorite hymn, Be Thou My Vision, was played. The speeches her brother and his dad & sister gave were perfect. Upon leaving the church, all in attendance were asked to exit in a circle around the family one last time. Solomon's motorcycle community lead us to the grave site and did a burnout on the road by the cemetery. At the grave site, all in attendance were invited to press a finger print onto their caskets, to leave a piece of you buried with them. So many more details, but I didn't want to forget these, so I wrote them down.
The months following
I had a lot going on in the next several months, so I was able to keep busy and not dwell on it much. I still thought about Annalise every single day but I had my own wedding and honeymoon to plan, then had to focus on adjusting to newlywed life. I drew really close to God at this time with a new fear that He could take me at any moment. That my devotion to him was the only thing that really mattered because life's purpose was to serve Him. Stuff didn't matter, materials didn't matter, work didn't matter, just worshipping the Lord mattered. This was definitely pre-depression settling in.
It wasn’t until August 2023, four months after the accident that I realized I was suppressing joy in planning for the future. God is good and His Will is perfect, but Christians are not promised a life without suffering. All I could think was, who will die next? "The Lord gives....but He also takes away". I was so hurt and angry at God. I also was incredibly anxious. I'd think "If I drive to Birmingham this weekend, what if we die in an accident?" After becoming pregnant later that year, the anxiety became crippling some days. The fears of losing my unborn child rose to an ultimate high. I'll spare you the rest of my anxious and morbid thoughts.
Death is coming for us all. To truly recognize that everyone you know will either die before you, or you will die before them, is scary. Let me be absolutely clear - I am not afraid to die. I am confident in where I am headed as a Christ follower. But yet, since I only have my current reality to work with, I don't want to walk away from it just yet. I can meditate on what living in Glory with Christ will be like and I am excited for that future, but I also am afraid of the process of dying. Also, I don't want to put my family through that pain. But then to think about the flip side of losing people I love is just as hard. I want things to stay just like they are right now, but this is just part of life. The fact that we will all die one day is an obvious statement. Most people don't typically dwell on thoughts like these. I dwelled on it all the time.
My biblical counselor and I have talked about this over and over again - he says I've been "made aware of my mortality".
Moving, not on, but forward
Over the last two years, my brain has slowly transitioned from "Oh, I need to call Annalise and tell her about that" to "Oh, I wish I could call Annalise about that" to now, even more painful - I rarely think about calling her anymore. My brain has rewritten this pathway or expectation. It's interesting, how the body processes grief. I think I can honestly say I have reached the acceptance phase of grief. For a reminder, the phases of grief:
DENIAL | ANGER | BARGAINING | DEPRESSION | ACCEPTANCE
I didn't know what acceptance would look like, but it definitely is a different kind of pain and longing than I anticipated. My brain has officially rewritten what to anticipate out of my future, and that it does not involve Annalise. That hurts even writing those words. It is hard to admit. But I do think a lot on the "what should have been" with my relationship with her and her bright future.
I still don’t like to think about the future very much. I don’t like to plan too far in advance. For a while I didn't want to plan trips, think about how I will raise my child, think about what my parents future will look like, or think about growing old with Kris because I’m terrified I wont get to experience any of it. This is not the way to live, but it's been a residual effect of losing Annalise. It's how I subconsciously protect myself from future pain.
Death is expected after a certain age, but when it comes for someone young (both were 23 years old), it’s a layer of hard you don’t expect. Extracting this person from your future. Depending on how close you were to the person, you expected to be a part of their major life events and expected them to be there for yours. Every time an event happens that you were expecting to share with them, it’s a fresh peeling off of the scab over the wound caused by their passing.
I've experienced loss in life, but always someone I've had time to process their death (elderly, long term illness, etc). I've witnessed others experience tragic loss, but I guess subconsciously I have gone about life assuming it wouldn't happen to me.
The Truth
I have finally started feeling real joy again over the last 6 months. I recognized that I cannot do this alone. As I continue to heal from this loss, I have found so much relief in drawing close to The Lord and releasing my fears to him. I don't release control easily, so let me tell you I fail at this almost daily. I pray to leave my anxieties with him and then still find myself constantly churning over anxious thoughts and fears.
I try to live life with God pulled in to every step of the process (and when I fail to pray, my biblical counselor always seems to know it and asks). I really struggled in pregnancy and postpartum with anxiety and extreme, crippling fears of loss. Annalise was healthy, 23, knew the Lord, and he still took her. He can take anyone, at any time. No sense can be made from this loss. On the other side of Heaven, this will all make sense, but I've made peace with the fact that I will get no answer to this loss right now. This has also made me cling on tighter to the people I do love and while I don't see them as much as I like, I really want to be present with them when I see them. I want to FEEL when I see them.
I am so tired of being numb. These last two years have been difficult.
I feel so much relief finally releasing these thoughts.
Other final thoughts that didnt fit anywhere else:
1) One thing that has helped me move on and enjoy life more is the birth of my daughter and photography. She is a joy. I am terrified of losing her, but really try to appreciate and enjoy every day with her, even the hard ones. Also, take photos often. This is not necessarily a plug for my business but a genuine call to action from a place of experience. I absolutely love being able to provide this service for others and the amount of joy it can bring. It's been so healing to me, to feel joy in creating again.
2) I try to care less about my body image. When I am having a low body image day, I remember, Annalise struggled with body image issues. Her body was stunning, she had abs (I'll throw some CrossFit images I took of her below), and yet she still had her own struggles. All her fears about losing her perfect body in pregnancy were for naught. She never got to experience it. She has left that physical body behind but now has an immortal body that is SO MUCH more INFINITELY better. I have to really focus on this when I am having days when I look in the mirror, 30lbs heavier with baby weight, that what a privilege it is that this body carried our precious Lily. That it can lift our healthy baby girl into the air with ease. I have to be thankful for this body and not criticize it. I look like what I look like. SO, TAKE THE DAMN PHOTOS. I have to work on stopping myself from saying "oh but I look horrible"....Every day on this earth is a blessing and one day this mortal form will be left behind, appreciate it today.
3) Jersey. Kris and I adopted Annalise and Solomon's cat, Jersey. No one in their families could take a cat at the time. We fell in love with her and flew back to Texas to get her. Every time I pet Jersey and talk to her I wonder how Annalise loved on Jersey. I think where did Jersey sleep? Did that magnetism Annalise had towards kids apply to animals? I bet it did. We are so honored at getting to take in Jersey and we love her so much.
4) Annalise and I shared a favorite Hymn "Be Thou My Vision". It was sung at her wedding and then played as a recessional at her funeral. That hymn has now made me cry in church multiple times. Most recently when I heard it, I felt almost ashamed that I wasn’t holding on to her memories tighter. Then I also felt peace – I felt an overwhelming fortune at getting the time I did with her. I felt grateful for the opportunity to remember her in that moment in church. Grateful I had this little moment in time to cry for her. And yes, there was the same sorrow and confusion of why did she have to leave us so soon, but that was mingled in with so many other positive feelings that didn’t weigh me down like it sometimes does. Grief is so different that I’d ever imagined.
Thanks to those that read along, but this one was more for me than anything else. I needed to get all these thoughts and words out. Love you all and sorry if this was hard to read.
This post was originally published on April 9, 2025 (poetically, 2 years to the date from her passing) and was migrated to my new site on July 15, 2025
Enjoy some photos I took of them:
